Shot Number 3 Finished!

Today was Lynn's third shot in her series of treatments. I sat with her waiting for the nurse to call us back. I was holding her hand which was trembling a little with nerves but her facial expressions was hiding her emotions. I tried to keep her spirits up by making her laugh. She was in surprisingly good spirts. I can't believe how strong she has been through out this process and calm about all that has faced her.

I truly am amazed at how she keeps her self together so that our 8 year old daughter and myself doesn't worry about her condition. I would give anything in this world so she would never have to feel an ounce of pain or suffering. Although I think that if it was I who were faced with the treatments of receiving shots in my eye without being sedated and just having to hold still would be damn near impossible. I would still be in the fetal position in the corner crying from the first treatment.

Not my beautiful wife she holds her head up high fights back her nerves and just does it knowing that she is going to be in intense pain for the following several days after the shot.

We have been happily married for going on 10 years and engaged three years prior to that. We are always together at the shop, home....pretty much 24 hours a day. It has been over 7 years since we have spent a night apart. We have been alot of places and seen alot of things together. She is my best friend and my whole world and it kills me to think that she could lose her sight completely and miss out on everything we take for granted.

I remember three years ago when Lynn had the first bout with Histoplasmosis. They had to do immediate emergency laser eye surgery to stop bleeding in the back of her eye. I remember the panic we both felt and when the surgery was successful the relief that we felt as we held each others hands.

Over the course of the past three years every check up came back perfect. It came to the point we thought that it would never happen again. That it would just be routine check ups from here on out. So as Lynn said in her earlier blog the routine check up three months ago was anything but routine. When the nurse came out to the waiting room to tell me that Lynn had to have an emergency procedure and it was going to be a while before she was finished I could feel the blood leave my head and the faint feeling starting. My heart started racing trying to get an answer out of the nurse who could not give me any further information. I could feel the tears starting to build. I seen my daughter staring at me studying my face to tell what was happening. I fought the tears away. I have not cried in probably 10 years.

Just then Lynn emerged from the office door to tell me that everything was going to me okay that the there is bleeding in her retina and that she was going to have a procedure done. I could tell that she had been crying and her eyes were welting up. Before I could say anything she was gone and the office door shut. I know she tried to leave before she lost it in front of our daughter. I could no longer hold it back. I sat in the waiting room and silently cried trying not to let my daughter see me cry. I wasn't crying for me, I was crying at the thought of my best friend with no one by her side going through this tragic moment in her life. I have never not been there for her.

My daughter says daddy is mommy going to be okay. I told her yes she will be fine. She then says Dad are you sure? I have never seen you cry before even when you get hurt you don't cry. I am scared! I comforted our daughter in the waiting room pulling my self together. Lynn eventually came into the waiting room in her dark glasses and held her self like nothing has happened at all. I was shocked at her demeanor. She just told me we will talk later. I honored her wish and she said lets just carry on with our plan. So we did just that.

Knowing what I know now I would never have let her go through with carrying on with the day. It has killing her with pain but not once did she say a word or show any hint of discomfort other than an occasional blot of her eye at the restaurant.

Later that night after I read Maci a story and put her to bed. I came to our bedroom to find my wife in bed with the covers pulled up crying. Once she heard me come in she immediately stopped. I lay in bed asking her if there was anything I could do for her. Of course she said she was fine and just go to bed. The next day when we woke up her poor eye was goose egged she could not see out of it. Once again she put on a strong front only asking me to to look at it to insure that she got all of the matting off of her eye. She even pulled her self together for us to take Maci out to breakfast and to school. I was so impressed with her strength.

I took her to the second shot appointment while our daughter was in school this time. I could tell she was nervous the night before. The morning of the appointment the anticipation of the shot was getting to her. This time she knew what was coming so that almost seemed to make it worse. I held her hand and was by her side the whole time we were at the last appointment. To sum up the actual procedure all I could say was F****ing ouch. I could not believe what the hell I was witnessing. This doctor dude literally is putting a paper clip looking contraption against her eye pulling her eyelids open. Then he proceeded to take a glorified q tip and rub anodizing solution and numbing stuff on her eye. Then comes the topper he pulls out a syringe with what looks to be a 3/4'' long needle and tells her to look to the side and not to move her eye. Then jabs the needle into her eye. Yeah.... I cringed and could not believe what the hell I was witnessing. It seemed like for ever for him to push the fluid into her eye. I could see her nails digging into the arms to the chair. Then out came the needle, off comes the paperclip and doc says we see you in one month for another shot in his Transylvania like accent. I sat in shock as Lynn says are you ready to go. My brain could not process what I saw and the ability she had to just get up and casually say lets go. I led her to the office settled up with the billing department and led my temporally blind wife to the truck guiding her ever so gently thinking what it must be like for her to feel so dependant up on me to help her. This is a woman who is independent as it comes. I was very touched that she was letting me help her and trusting me to guide the way. On the way home she confided in me how sever the pain really was last time and this time as well. I felt so horrible for her . I took the rest of the day off of work to take care of her so that she could rest. The more she could sleep and keep her eye closed the better off she was. The next day she got up and carried on and demanded she take care of herself and told me to just go to work. I was so impressed with her will to not be a burden.

So another month has passed and its that time again. Last night Lynn wrote on her blog to try to help calm her self because about 7:00pm she started getting sick to her stomach thinking about today's appointment. I can not begin to know what she has to be feeling or the way it feel to know that you vision could be gone in a blink of an eye. All I could do last night was to confide in the Lord and ask for his protection to look after my wife.

So that brings us to where we started. I was holding her hand and the nurse calls us back we go into the exam room and she goes through her preliminary exam where they put several eye drops in her eyes to dilate them and numb them. Next the nurse broke out a new eye pressure checker than they have ever used before. The checker was held up to her eye and then pushed up against it. Lynn jumped it was hard to stay still who could blame her.

The nurse left and then the doctor came in with his little serving tray. The smile on Lynn's face left and a sol um look took over. The chair reclined and the barbaric procedure began. Out came the paper clip eye opener in went drops and the glorified qtip with the antiseptic. The doctor tells Lynn to look up and to the right and not to move her eye. He pull out the syringe, Lynn's nails dig into the chair with the anticipation of the needle.

I totally wussed out closed my eyes and cringed.....The doctor said he was all done. Lynn slowly sat up wiped her eyes and I took her hand and we walked out. I paid the bill walked her to the truck and helped her get in. I could tell she was in pain. I helped her inside the house and helped her to bed. I hate to see her in pain but at least she is getting the treatment that she needs.

Now she begins the healing process over again a week of pain and boredom of being stuck at home. Hopefully when she goes back for her appointment next month the shot treatments will be finished for this bout of Histoplasmosis.

Thank you everyone who has been reading her blog and giving her support through this process. It means alot to us!

ON THE EVE OF SHOT NUMBER THREE

On the eve of shot number three.... as I sat in my comfy chair while I watched the rain fall the wind blow and thought about my last two shots.

The first shot was a shock to me. It happened so fast it was a lot to take in and to deal with. Shawn often tells me he is proud of me and loves how strong I am. I think he thinks I am stronger than what I really am but we will just let him keeping thinking that;)

After the 1st shot I had 3weeks till my next shot. I tried not to think about it... but it was all I thought about. Friends showered me in support. I have a "new" friend Laurie who has touched my heart in a way she may never ever know. After Mass the Saturday before my 2nd shot she stopped me and handle something. Without seeing it I thanked her. Then I looked down to what I was holding and lost it. I was holding a Saint Lucia pendent that she had just gotten blessed by the Father of our church. I was so thankful!! Laurie, you will never know how much that meant. Side note: My pendent like all Saint pendent necklaces came with a prayer card. On the front is I picture of Saint Lucia. I have it on my bathroom mirror so I see it daily, it makes me smile sometimes laugh a bit. In the photo she is holding a tray and on the tray are eyes... yes eye balls! Maybe its the stress but seeing that hits me in a funny way. 

On the day of my first shot I was wearing a dress, remember we were going to dinner after and as I was crying curled into a ball I thought well this outfit was a bad choice. So on Sunday the day before my 2nd shot I spent a lot of time thinking about what to wear. I want to be comfy and be able to curl into a ball if I want. I would be coming home and going straight to bed sadly my PJs were just not an option! Even if they are really cute, which they are! I went with yoga pants a fleece pull over and tennis shoes. I pulled my hair to the side wore some stud earrings and with my Saint Lucia pendent and I felt ready for what the morning would bring.

I checked in and we sat to begin the wait. I am not a fan of waiting of any kind. Every time I go to an appointment at this doctors office I am the youngest one in the waiting room. I am stared at and sometimes asked why I am there. I hate telling them, then I hear "Oh No your too young to go thought this" "Oh you poor thing" "Now wouldn't that be so horrible to lose our sight so young" Next time I am going to say I am having my toe checked out... I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but I do want everyone to know this can happen to anyone at any age! I understand they mean well but its not things I want to hear before a needle is put in my eye!

So Shawn and I are sitting there and the older women comes in and reads a license plate number then explains that car was just hit by another car. I look at Shawn and ask if he knew our plate number... that would be a No! By the 4th time being explained and the owner of the car already outside everyone understood what was going on. Oh my you would not believe the excitement in that waiting room! It was what everyone was talking about for a solid 10 mins. I look at Shawn and said we are in a waiting room filled with older people who have problems seeing. Why is everyone so shocked!?

The waiting room is quite Shawn has a worried look on his face so I ask "What are you thinking"? He replies" You don't want to know" Oh! Yes I do!! He looks at me and says "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, well your eye in this case" My month dropped. He did say I didn't want to know its not often he is "this right"!

My name is called and the test began. I move from room to room. Shawn is with me and no matter how quite it was or what kind of look he had on his face I was not going to ask what he was thinking!

We reach the final step before the shot. My nerves are at full peak. I laugh as Shawn gives the girl who has me sign the release forms and goes over the side affects a hard time to make me laugh. She was happy to get done with us!

My doctor comes in with his little tray that makes the needle look way larger than it should be seen by the eye it will be stuck in! His accent makes me smile. He wastes no time explaing we will start to prep.

I check the time and wonder what Maci was doing at school that very minute. I hope she is happy laughing and enjoying her day. I am thankful I am able to close my eyes and always picture my little girl laughing and see her happiness in her smile and her eyes.

He tells me to look up look down left right over and over again. The needle is in his hand his hand is in place against my check and I hear "look up and d"... I look down and he was  saying "don't move"! Yup I moved as he was sticking it in. He says "don't move" again and the pain was something I could of never thought it could be. I think he could tell it was a bit much for me as he patted and rubbed my head with his needle free hand as the needle was in my eye. I know at this point I messed this up, I moved and made this worse on myself. Have you ever been in pain and moved around in some way? It was hard to stay still while in what much pain. I am not even sure I did stay still.

The needle is out and my eye is rinsed, its over. Once the doctor leaves the room I squeeze the chair and kicked my feet explained I moved and it didn't go well. I look up at Shawn and  he has this look of mixed expressions on his face. He leans in and says "You know that thing you cant see that holds your eye open? It look like its made from  a metal paper clip". That would explain why it so painful.

I stood up to leave and noticed something is different. My sight is not the same as it was before the shot. When I got to the desk to make my next appointment I realized I see a large black spot. I walk to the doctors desk and ask. He tells me its an air bubble it will go away in a day or two. I know this is because I moved when I shouldn't have. I keep repeating my eye hurts on the way out to the truck. Shawn helps me get in the truck and leans in, I thought to kiss me but then I hear... "Your eye looks bad I need a photo of that". I had a large blood spot where the needle went in. If it was his I eye would probably say the same thing.

Once we were home I went to bed hoping the pain would weaken when I wake up. I had a lot of pain for 3 days then it was just uncomfortable for a few.

Over the last few weeks waiting for the day to come for my next shot I have thought about how fast the time has went. Life keeps going. Time waits for no one. This has shown me in another way to make the most of each day. Some things will wait for you but those "things" that are alive should not wait. Live Your Life. Don't say oh someday I wish I could do this or Some day I will go here. Don't wait. Just do!

Make sure you and your loved ones are getting eye checkups regularly. If anyone thinks their sight has changed even in the smallest way see an eye doctor!

LIFE CHANGES IN A BLINK OF AN EYE

Everyone knows your life can change in a blink of an eye- Ha! Its "funny" that is what comes to me as a starting sentence for what I am about to explain. 

First I want to say I am a private person. I don't post about my every moment or even big moments for that matter, its just not me. Well something has came to light that I want everyone to know about. Why? Because maybe if I share what I am going though I can help someone else save their eye sight. 

A few Mondays ago I went to a routine check up at my retina specialist. I have Histoplasmosis (also known as "Cave disease" or "Ohio valley disease") It's a disease caused by a fungus that is breathed in and is found in the air, that is in my blood called Histoplasma. Symptoms of this infection vary greatly, but the disease primarily affects the lungs. Occasionally, other organs are affected; In my case my eyes are affected giving me a type called Ocular Histoplasmosis. Ocular Histoplasmosis damages the retina of the eyes. Scar tissue is left on the retina which can experience bleeding, resulting in a loss of vision not unlike macular degeneration. 

I knew that I had some change (loss of sight) & more pain. I have had pain for years!! Sadly I have not met a doctor that knew why I had pain nor how to end it, I have seen many doctors! Their main concern is saving what is left of my sight, That works for me! 

Once I was in the chair to look at the chart with my good eye covered things changed. I have to add that this is the 1st time I have ever sat in the chair with out my best friend 3 feet away! My husband was in the waiting room with our daughter. This was supposed to be a quick check up then we are off to dinner to celebrate back to school the next day. 

So back to the dark room with the eye chart. I am asked to read it... “OK”... I am waiting for it to be put up... I hear "Go ahead read what you can see" tears came instantly, I couldn't see anything not even the square of light. I could always see the straight line of the E but nothing this time. I was told, "lets move on" freaked out I started asking questions knowing no one will be able to give me an answer other than the doctor, I still asked. With my eyes full of tears of fear I move from room to room. I even had photos taken of my eyes as I have many times before. It was harder this time because of the tears. They took their time and understood. Then the doctor comes in, I blurt out “What’s wrong”? He says with his accent that makes bad news sound not so bad “Well you have some change in your sight”. No Shit Sherlock! WHY? 

No, I didn’t say that but I thought it! So he grabs this scope thing and with his calming voice he says “Ohh…well you have bleeding inside your eye”. Flash back: about 4 years ago blood vessels were growing through some holes (from the scars) in my eye right to my retina. As soon as he saw that he, himself walked me in to the laser room and saved my eye! Okay back to the blood in my eye. So I ask we just need to laser again? “No”! He said "It’s to much blood and in the center I must give you shots". At that point his accent was no longer comforting. “Shots in my eye”? I ask starting to cry. He gave me a few tissues and tells me “I have done this many times I am confident it will be OK”. “The pain won’t be too bad”! Yes he said too bad- like that makes it better! I know he means well but shots in my eye!!! Just the words hurt!! 

As I heard the side affects from the shots & signed the release paperwork. Someone went out and told my husband and sadly my daughter had to hear what was going on. The doctor brought in a tray and shut the door. I asked “Is someone going to help you”? “Someone should hold me down right”? He said (don't forget with his accent) “No, I have done this many times, I am quite good”. “As long as you don’t help me I got this”. I laughed so hard!! I told him I was scared he said “Yeah I got that earlier”. I never knew he was so funny! Maybe it was just my fear!! 

So he puts in this thing to hold my eye open. The lights were low which I didn’t realize till now, thinking about it... he is going to put a needle in my eye there should be a lot of light!! My eyes are very sensitive to light so they do what they can to make me comfortable. I don't know what this thing looks like since I can’t see out of that eye. I can tell it is V shape. Then my eye is cleaned and prepped. I am told the iodine will make it feel like my eye is covered or filled with sand. When its time I hear “Here we go” and the poke!

I have been asked what went though my mind when this was happening? Well when I couldn't see the eye chart I thought what did I do wrong? What if Histoplasmosis goes into the other eye? Then as I went from room to room test to test my husband & my daughter was on my mind. I want to be able to see the love in Shawn’s eyes when he looks at me and his smile. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to be able to see every drawing or art work she does. I want to see her crazy outfits she pick outs. I want to she her smile the happiness in her eyes! Please God, if I have to lose this eye let me keep the other healthy. 

Then when it was time for the shot I thanked God for all the years I was able to see and for the healthy eye I still have. When the needle was out all I could think about was the pain. I took a couple of minutes to collect myself and I meet my family in the waiting room. I smiled & showed no discomfort. Well so I thought. Their mouths dropped I didn't look at myself so I didn't know my eye was swollen shut.  We went on to dinner then home for gifts to wrap up the back to school party. Shawn read Maci a story. As I sat there watching them laugh and read together I wondered if there would there be a day that I would not be able to see their smiles. I fell asleep that night praying that I could let go of this fear of the disease growing in the other eye.

When I woke in the morning I looked in the mirror hoping it was all a dream but my swollen matted eye showed me that it was reality. I was told not to rub my eye, that was so hard, it felt like it was covered in sand. I looked at myself and thought; You can handle this. No need to worry. From that moment on I haven't spoke to God about the eye I just trust my faith. I have "moved on" in a positive way. I was unable to go to work that week due to keeping my eye clean. I am not the type of person to just sit nor do I watch TV daily. Unable to clean or do anything at home I became addicted to the Lifetime channel by Wednesday. Thankfully by Friday I kicked Lifetime addiction & moved on to Teen Mom, the 1st group of moms. I even saw the last show ever when it aired. 

The following Monday I had another check up. It was then I learned I have Histoplasmosis in both eyes. It is unknown if I will lose sight it the good eye, but I have faith I won't! Now every 3 weeks I will get shots in my eye that is bleeding to save what sight is left. The doctor said it is unknown how long I will need to have the shots.  

I hope you will tell others there is this disease and it can take your sight in a flash. Please protect your sight!

Happy Birthday To Me!

So I spent the 1st of 2 birthdays with my braces this  weekend, Sunday.

I woke up Sunday after being smacked in the mouth be my snoring hubby... he slept right through me yelling "Damn it jackass that hurt!" So I got up took some Tylenol & ate a pudding cup. That made me feel better.

Then I did what every loving wife would. I woke him up not caring it was 5:30am, on a Sunday!

I started laundry did some cleaning and once Maci was up we made breakfast. My family enjoyed bacon and eggs while I had yogurt. I don't want to chew solid foods & add to my pain.

I cleaned the kitchen signed on to Pinterest answered phone calls texts and even had a few friends stop by with birthday wishes! aka PRESENTS!!

Then before I knew it, it was time to for dinner.

My wonderful hubby made dinner, he grilled in the snow. I watched it snow having a glass of my favorite wine, Ice Wine.

While getting our dinner plates ready Maci says "Mom that lady on TV looks like you" I look up at the TV in the kitchen just as Shawn BURST into laughter. Its a commercial for the Duggers, 19 and counting, I think. Yup my amazing 7 year old thinks I look like the mom for the Duggers! Isn't she a Grandmother now? Yup Happy Birthday to Me!!

After dinner we opened gifts. One year I got an toilet paper roll Maci had colored on, she made me a card with a little note telling me she was out of toilet paper in her bathroom. She was 5, got to love it!

After gifts we watched a movie together then had cake. My cake was awesome! Shawn made grapes from fondant and the cake batter was colored purple.

After putting Maci to bed we finished the bottle of wine cuddled with Shawn on the coach with the fireplace going.

I couldn't have asked for a better Birthday! 

UGH!......Not Again

Today is a big day…I will sit in a reclining chair open my mouth wide…and an orthodontist will be putting braces BACK  on my teeth!! It is like I am stepping back in time, reliving a part of my childhood that I was happy to leave behind me.  Here I am, a 30ish wife & mother who should be saving for my daughters braces NOT mine!

Why you ask… yeah, I asked that too! When I was told that I had to have braces again I had tears when I screamed WHY?!?!  Not really but I was screaming and crying on the inside!

Over the years my teeth moved apparently they didn’t like their home. When I was a teen my dentist put veneers over some gaps, when he should have sent me back to an orthodontist but he didn’t. He was a crack head and was just setting me up to be his lifelong veneer replacement patient.  Needless to say the crack head is no longer a dentist after getting busted. Wait I shouldn’t say that, I am not sure if crack was his drug of choice.

When my baby teeth fell out, my adult teeth didn’t come out at the bottom of the gum they poked out at different angles. One front tooth stuck out of the front of my gums. My family “lovingly” nicknamed me… Snaggle Tooth. It didn’t bug me as a kid, but I do have a fear of it coming back and haunting me now.  

In the 1980s I was youngest patient for my 1^st orthodontist who has since retried. Braces were placed as teeth grew in. I even had one of those fashionable head gears! Thankfully I will not have one this time. My braces came off in middle school when most kids had theirs put on.

I know a lot of adults have braces but this is my story and I will whine about it if I want too!

After I stopped repeating Dr. Featheringhams words “you do need braces again” over and over again in my head while she went on about the bottom teeth hitting the gum behind the top teeth not being good for my jaw bone. My mom’s voice popped in my head. When I was a child after every tightening we would get in the van and she would tell me “be glad you’re doing this as a young kid and not an adult it would be much worse”! Yeah, Thanks Mom! A lot of good that did!

So to celebrate this… this… this… new step in my life we did what Westmeisters do, we had a party! Last night I told our daughter, she is 7 what fun (yes I lied through my gapping teeth to her) getting braces will be. My goal is to make braces fun so if she needs them she won’t fear them. I plan on drinking a lot of alcohol to mask my pain. We went to a movie & dinner then home for cupcakes cookies tons of hard & chewy candy & gifts! What party doesn’t have sweets & gifts? We all got new dental care items. Maci, got a Justin Bieber tooth brush that sings to her. I got a water pick and tools to clean food out of my braces, that’s a lovely thought! Shawn got a new toothbrush that doesn’t sing but he gets to listen to me whine while I clean my teeth so he’s good!

Well I am off. I am thinking about asking if she can wire my mouth shut, it seems like a sure way to lose a few pounds!