Today was Lynn's third shot in her series of treatments. I sat with her waiting for the nurse to call us back. I was holding her hand which was trembling a little with nerves but her facial expressions was hiding her emotions. I tried to keep her spirits up by making her laugh. She was in surprisingly good spirts. I can't believe how strong she has been through out this process and calm about all that has faced her.
I truly am amazed at how she keeps her self together so that our 8 year old daughter and myself doesn't worry about her condition. I would give anything in this world so she would never have to feel an ounce of pain or suffering. Although I think that if it was I who were faced with the treatments of receiving shots in my eye without being sedated and just having to hold still would be damn near impossible. I would still be in the fetal position in the corner crying from the first treatment.
Not my beautiful wife she holds her head up high fights back her nerves and just does it knowing that she is going to be in intense pain for the following several days after the shot.
We have been happily married for going on 10 years and engaged three years prior to that. We are always together at the shop, home....pretty much 24 hours a day. It has been over 7 years since we have spent a night apart. We have been alot of places and seen alot of things together. She is my best friend and my whole world and it kills me to think that she could lose her sight completely and miss out on everything we take for granted.
I remember three years ago when Lynn had the first bout with Histoplasmosis. They had to do immediate emergency laser eye surgery to stop bleeding in the back of her eye. I remember the panic we both felt and when the surgery was successful the relief that we felt as we held each others hands.
Over the course of the past three years every check up came back perfect. It came to the point we thought that it would never happen again. That it would just be routine check ups from here on out. So as Lynn said in her earlier blog the routine check up three months ago was anything but routine. When the nurse came out to the waiting room to tell me that Lynn had to have an emergency procedure and it was going to be a while before she was finished I could feel the blood leave my head and the faint feeling starting. My heart started racing trying to get an answer out of the nurse who could not give me any further information. I could feel the tears starting to build. I seen my daughter staring at me studying my face to tell what was happening. I fought the tears away. I have not cried in probably 10 years.
Just then Lynn emerged from the office door to tell me that everything was going to me okay that the there is bleeding in her retina and that she was going to have a procedure done. I could tell that she had been crying and her eyes were welting up. Before I could say anything she was gone and the office door shut. I know she tried to leave before she lost it in front of our daughter. I could no longer hold it back. I sat in the waiting room and silently cried trying not to let my daughter see me cry. I wasn't crying for me, I was crying at the thought of my best friend with no one by her side going through this tragic moment in her life. I have never not been there for her.
My daughter says daddy is mommy going to be okay. I told her yes she will be fine. She then says Dad are you sure? I have never seen you cry before even when you get hurt you don't cry. I am scared! I comforted our daughter in the waiting room pulling my self together. Lynn eventually came into the waiting room in her dark glasses and held her self like nothing has happened at all. I was shocked at her demeanor. She just told me we will talk later. I honored her wish and she said lets just carry on with our plan. So we did just that.
Knowing what I know now I would never have let her go through with carrying on with the day. It has killing her with pain but not once did she say a word or show any hint of discomfort other than an occasional blot of her eye at the restaurant.
Later that night after I read Maci a story and put her to bed. I came to our bedroom to find my wife in bed with the covers pulled up crying. Once she heard me come in she immediately stopped. I lay in bed asking her if there was anything I could do for her. Of course she said she was fine and just go to bed. The next day when we woke up her poor eye was goose egged she could not see out of it. Once again she put on a strong front only asking me to to look at it to insure that she got all of the matting off of her eye. She even pulled her self together for us to take Maci out to breakfast and to school. I was so impressed with her strength.
I took her to the second shot appointment while our daughter was in school this time. I could tell she was nervous the night before. The morning of the appointment the anticipation of the shot was getting to her. This time she knew what was coming so that almost seemed to make it worse. I held her hand and was by her side the whole time we were at the last appointment. To sum up the actual procedure all I could say was F****ing ouch. I could not believe what the hell I was witnessing. This doctor dude literally is putting a paper clip looking contraption against her eye pulling her eyelids open. Then he proceeded to take a glorified q tip and rub anodizing solution and numbing stuff on her eye. Then comes the topper he pulls out a syringe with what looks to be a 3/4'' long needle and tells her to look to the side and not to move her eye. Then jabs the needle into her eye. Yeah.... I cringed and could not believe what the hell I was witnessing. It seemed like for ever for him to push the fluid into her eye. I could see her nails digging into the arms to the chair. Then out came the needle, off comes the paperclip and doc says we see you in one month for another shot in his Transylvania like accent. I sat in shock as Lynn says are you ready to go. My brain could not process what I saw and the ability she had to just get up and casually say lets go. I led her to the office settled up with the billing department and led my temporally blind wife to the truck guiding her ever so gently thinking what it must be like for her to feel so dependant up on me to help her. This is a woman who is independent as it comes. I was very touched that she was letting me help her and trusting me to guide the way. On the way home she confided in me how sever the pain really was last time and this time as well. I felt so horrible for her . I took the rest of the day off of work to take care of her so that she could rest. The more she could sleep and keep her eye closed the better off she was. The next day she got up and carried on and demanded she take care of herself and told me to just go to work. I was so impressed with her will to not be a burden.
So another month has passed and its that time again. Last night Lynn wrote on her blog to try to help calm her self because about 7:00pm she started getting sick to her stomach thinking about today's appointment. I can not begin to know what she has to be feeling or the way it feel to know that you vision could be gone in a blink of an eye. All I could do last night was to confide in the Lord and ask for his protection to look after my wife.
So that brings us to where we started. I was holding her hand and the nurse calls us back we go into the exam room and she goes through her preliminary exam where they put several eye drops in her eyes to dilate them and numb them. Next the nurse broke out a new eye pressure checker than they have ever used before. The checker was held up to her eye and then pushed up against it. Lynn jumped it was hard to stay still who could blame her.
The nurse left and then the doctor came in with his little serving tray. The smile on Lynn's face left and a sol um look took over. The chair reclined and the barbaric procedure began. Out came the paper clip eye opener in went drops and the glorified qtip with the antiseptic. The doctor tells Lynn to look up and to the right and not to move her eye. He pull out the syringe, Lynn's nails dig into the chair with the anticipation of the needle.
I totally wussed out closed my eyes and cringed.....The doctor said he was all done. Lynn slowly sat up wiped her eyes and I took her hand and we walked out. I paid the bill walked her to the truck and helped her get in. I could tell she was in pain. I helped her inside the house and helped her to bed. I hate to see her in pain but at least she is getting the treatment that she needs.
Now she begins the healing process over again a week of pain and boredom of being stuck at home. Hopefully when she goes back for her appointment next month the shot treatments will be finished for this bout of Histoplasmosis.
Thank you everyone who has been reading her blog and giving her support through this process. It means alot to us!
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